Self-care is really popular these days.

It’s being talked about everywhere from lifestyle blogs and yogini Instagram feeds to mainstream media outlets.

And it’s no real wonder that that’s the case.

Who doesn’t like the idea of spending a little quality time with yourself? Of doing things that make you feel good? Of taking good, nurturing care of yourself, to combat the daily grind of our frenetic modern world?

We all know how stressful it can be.

Practicing self-care also has the powerful effect of allowing us to receive -- which is especially meaningful to those of us for whom receiving love and care has been a complicated prospect in our lives. Those of us who are used to giving (and giving, and giving) instead. 

It flips that dynamic on its head, and damn if it doesn’t feel good.

There’s a lot of relationship advice out there.

The modern spiritual and self-help communities in particular seem to have come to a recent consensus about what constitutes empowerment in relationships, and a few common recommendations have emerged to reflect it.

This would all be well and good -- of course we want to help one another find strength and peace with other people -- except for the fact that these popular pieces of advice are all myths.

Almost completely so.

Like any good myth, they’re enticing. They sound good. They make us feel strong, and relieved. We feel better the moment we enact them, and maybe even for some time after. Plus, they’re easy to understand and quickly, confidently execute the courses of action they recommend.

So what’s the big deal?

“Toxic” people can be a lot to handle.

Interacting with them is stressful, upsetting, perplexing, and puts us in real binds.

In the face of such torment the conventional wisdom around “toxic” people says we need to cut them out of our lives unceremoniously and without delay.

“They’re just too far gone, you see. There’s nothing you can do! You deserve a life without their toxicity.”

Sounds simple enough, right?

While this might be easy to do if the “toxic” person is someone we never really have to see or interact with again, following through with this kind advice isn’t as straightforward if that “toxic” person is someone we can’t really just run from, like our father, sister, boss, or landlord. We don’t always have complete control over who gets to be in our lives and who doesn’t. And not for nothing, but in our heart of hearts we might actually want to save and sustain some of these “toxic” relationships if we could.

So what are we to do?

When we try to figure out what’s not working in a relationship, we typically look at it directly.

Who’s done or said what? Where is communication breaking down? Whose feelings are hurt, and for what reasons?

What we don’t often consider are the factors separate from the relationship itself that led us to this moment in the first place.

Because there are certain underlying conditions that compel us to seek out (and get stuck in) relationships that are mediocre in some way.

These conditions distort our perception -- of ourselves, of our partners, of the quality of our lives in general, and of the relationship itself -- to such a degree that they cause us to make choices that aren’t really right for us in the long run.

Even if they look pretty darn good right now.